The Freedom A “No” List Creates
My “what I’m saying no to” list is giving me focus all over my life and freeing me up for more important decisions.
It’s the fourth Tuesday of the month! I reserve the fourth Tuesdays for quarterly features like “What’s Saving My Life This Season” and “What I Read Last Quarter,” but I don’t have a firm third theme to round out the list. So this time around, we’re looking at my “What I’m Saying No To” list.
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And if you’re interested in exploring spiritual direction, but don’t know where to start, I am looking for people to help me beta test group spiritual direction. Group spiritual direction is a great place to start because the group dynamic (4-6 people) lessens the pressure of one-on-one direction. Groups are first-names-only, confidential, and facilitated by a spiritual director (me!). Group direction is also more affordable than individual direction (and beta testing is even more affordable).
First, I need people who are interested. From there, we can work out details. Groups can be online or here in Springfield, Missouri. If you want to know more, complete my spiritual direction interest form, and I’ll be in touch.
In March’s What’s Saving My Life list, I mentioned that this year I’m keeping a What I’m Saying No To list. It was saving my life in March, and it’s still proving useful as May comes to a close. Two months ago, I wrote: “As a recovering people pleaser, saying no is often difficult for me. I can also be a bit of a waffler–always negotiating with myself once I’ve made a decision. [My list] is helping me recognize that saying no, for me, is its own accomplishment.”
As short as this list is, it’s a big list! These decisions I’ve made and their impact on my life have been substantial this year. But I love how each of them, in their own way, are giving me focus. Focus on my work, my reading, and my shopping. Those already-made decisions are freeing me up to think about how important matters in my business, my faith, my home, and more.
So without further ado, here is my What I’m Saying No To list:
A Full-Time Job
I wrapped up my spiritual direction certificate this spring and my master’s in spiritual formation last summer, so naturally, “What’s next?” is the question I get from friends and family. My husband and I gave a lot of prayer and thought to this question. Our son wrapped up middle school last week, and heads into high school this fall. Seminary kept me busy, but I also had a lot of flexibility to run around with my son. I deliberately want to keep that flexibility for the next four years, and fortunately, my husband’s work provides everything our family needs. At the same time, I want to give starting a small business, building a spiritual direction clientele, and writing consistently on Substack every week a fair chance. I don’t want to split my attention between Steadfast Center and employment. Plus, let’s be honest, I am completely feral at this point, and I really love being my own boss.
Long-Term Volunteer Opportunities
Two years ago, my family moved to a new church, and our new church has so many opportunities to serve. Out of the gate, I was interested in several. Then, as word spread about my love of spiritual formation, I found myself being asked to write this and that, to be a guinea pig for new classes, to join volunteer teams. I love being asked! That’s a big change for me! A former version of myself would have said yes to as much as possible, but this version of myself is being really choosy. My husband and I have said yes to hosting a small group every week, and I am carrying most of the organizational and leadership load (and I am loving it). But that yes means I find myself saying no to other long-term leadership opportunities, other weeknight commitments, and nearly all day-time commitments. My elevator speech, at this point, sounds something like, “My spirit is willing, but my schedule is not.”
Other People’s Book Recommendations
Y’all know that I’m a big reader, but for the duration of seminary, I was reading other people’s books. That is, required reading for classes. Don’t get me wrong, I loved 95% of the books my professors chose for my classes.1 But now that I no longer have a required reading list, I am ardently saying no to other people’s book recommendations. If you recommend a book to me that does pique my interest, I will likely put it on my Goodreads TBR list, but nothing is getting moved to the top of my Read Next pile without my consent.
And the really hard part? Saying no to little book clubs from my favorite podcasts or organizations, especially when signing up for the book club pays for the books. Or book read-alongs that semi-require I stay caught up on regular reading assignments. Maybe my problem is that when someone gives me a reading assignment, I understand the assignment, and I’m off to read what someone else told me to.
SIDEBAR: I was thinking this morning that there are books and writers I sampled in seminary that I was to revisit, particularly the Christian mystics and other spiritual classics. Julian, Hildegard, Howard, the Toms… If you have an iota of interest in a read-along with me, will you reply to this email or leave a comment?
Facebook
A hacker forced my hand at saying no to Facebook. In March, someone hacked into my Facebook account, getting around my 20-character randomized password and my two-factor authentications. (Apparently, as a friend in cyber security told me, Facebook cookies go for $4 on the dark web, so learn a lesson from me, and ALWAYS log out of accounts, even on your personal computer.)
I’m saying no to a new Facebook account on principle. I’m still mad about the whole thing. Y’all, this was nearly an OG Facebook account. You had to have a .edu email account to create a Facebook account 20 years ago. I lost 20 years of my personal network!
But aside from the pride of that account, I don’t miss Facebook. There are only a few very specific things I miss:
Updates from people I’m not in touch with elsewhere
Gossip from my neighborhood Facebook group
Being able to put something on my curb, announce it to Facebook / my neighborhood, and having it gone in a matter of hours
Meta Business Suite, which is required for using third-party apps to manage Facebook pages and Instagram account, so I am scheduling from the Instagram app, which is wildly inefficient
Some Big Retailers
In a season of unpredictable and unreasonable tariffs, as well as a world where some of the world’s richest people have made their fortunes from retail business, I find myself changing my mindset about the dollars I spend. I’m finally viewing my dollars as little votes, and every dollar spent is a vote for or against a retailer.
Before I get to the list of where I’m not shopping, thinking about where I spend my money primarily has me asking, “Do I really need this thing? Can I buy this second hand? Is it available locally?” So many times, I don’t need what I’m considering purchasing. It’s an impulse idea, and if I put it aside for a day or two, the pull to purchase it is gone. Often–particularly for clothes and home goods–if I look intentionally at second-hand shops, I can eventually find what I’m looking for.
That said, here’s where I’m not shopping:2
Amazon. I turned off subscriptions last year, and I stopped recreational shopping there in January. There’s literally nothing I’ve needed that I couldn’t find somewhere else.
Hobby Lobby. I don’t love their business model, I don’t love their policies about women’s health care, and so much of their home decor is cheap Chinese knock-offs from legitimate artists.
Walmart. Oof, this one is tricky because Walmart is everywhere in my city. This choice is less about policies and more about diversifying my spending. I switched to an employee-owned regional grocery store that is closer to my house, and it’s largely been fine. Groceries have been easy, but every once in a while, I have something random–for my upcoming Brazil trip, for instance–that needs to be purchased.
Sam’s Club, on the other hand… Well, I got a Costco membership, and it turns out, I hate the Costco experience. And Sam’s had ordering online with car pickup, and that was sort of the deal maker. So I’m still shopping at Sam’s, and maybe I’ll try Costco again when my nervous system can handle it.
Target. I barely shopped at Target before, I hate going inside our local Target, so I’ve more or less taken Target off my list. There’s been less than five very specific items that we’ve needed since the beginning of the year, but other than that, Target is done.
And that’s the list! I have more on my mind that I want to eventually add (or rather, prune), but a list like this is a work in progress. A list like this offers clarity for a particular season of life because rarely is anything all or nothing. Rarely does one choice today need to stand for the long-long-term. A list like this is simply a flag in the ground for me and for right now.
A Practice for Creating Your Own “No” List
Of course, I always promise a little spiritual practice, no matter what I’ve written about for the week. This week, let’s look a little closer at what you’re saying no to…
Find a quiet space of solitude, and settle into a comfortable position. Close your eyes, and begin to breathe deeply. For some of us, the thought of saying no to others can trigger our automatic negative thoughts–those internal angsty conversations. If this is the case for you, be gentle with yourself, notice those thoughts, breathe deeply, and let those negative thoughts float away.
Remember Jesus’s words from the Sermon on the Mount regarding our commitments, vows, and oaths: “But make sure your statement is, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no.’” As Christ-followers, how we honor our commitments reflects on the kingdom of heaven. This includes our commitments to ourselves.
Some decisions to say no require time for discernment, for input from others, and for additional listening to God. But for this exercise, I believe you might have smaller nos sitting under the surface of your psyche that are ready for you to make a decision.
Allow your spirit to bring to mind anything in your life that is begging you to say no. Maybe it’s a matter of conscience or a time commitment. Perhaps it’s a matter of preference that’s asking you to choose. Whatever the case, hold it in your mind and give some breath to it.
Consider journaling responses to the following prompts. Often writing in long-hand and in complete sentences draws thoughts and feelings out of us we otherwise struggle to put words to.
Imagine and describe what it will feel like to say no.
Imagine and describe what it will feel like to say yes.
How does the difference between the two feel?
Which one feels like an open invitation?
Which one feels like a constricting bind?
What, if anything, is holding you back?
Read through what you’ve written. Circle the words or phrases that capture the essence of this decision and how you’re feeling about it.
Does there seem to be an obvious answer?
If not, where do you want additional clarity?
The process of discernment–and for this exercise, saying no–can be as quick as a few moments or can take years to arrive at a conclusion. It’s OK to not come to a conclusion as we wrap this exercise. Sometimes it’s enough to simply acknowledge that a decision wants to be made some time in the future.
Close with prayer. Close your eyes again and open your hands on your lap. Invite God your decision. Ask him for help in keeping your commitments. Thank him for the wisdom he gives you in your everyday decision making.
Conversation & Community
P.S. I’m tweaking some of my Substack settings and thinking more strategically about how to create a conversation and an authentic Steadfast Community, so I’ve loosened up the comments subscriptions because I want to hear from you!
I want to know: What are you saying “no” to right now? (At present, I’m saying no to wandering into the kitchen pantry to find chocolate.)
Sorry, Hans Boersma. But my cohort referred to Heavenly Participation: The Weaving of Sacramental Theology as Borings-ma.
I am not shopping in these places with a few caveats: 1) I will spend gift cards, if I have them. 2) If I can’t find what I actually need anywhere else, I will shop there. 3) My husband and son sometimes do some of their own shopping, so they shop at these places as needed.