When Your Heart Wants to Run: Finding a Better Response to Overwhelming Days
In overwhelming moments, our hearts often want the opposite of what we need. Discover how to recognize your chaos response patterns and practice a more grounded, God-centered response.
I was in the office workroom when I heard the front door chime and heavy footsteps walk down the hall into the restroom. I poked my head into my coworker’s office. “Did you see who that was?” I asked.
“No, I didn’t see at all. Who could it be?”
We could hear our unknown visitor wrapping up their restroom visit, so I ducked into my office and prepared to call 911. In the meantime, our visitor stepped out of the restroom and crossed the hall to my colleague’s office door and started talking with her.
Internal alarms were blaring in my body. Who the hell is this guy? Is she safe? What is he doing here?
I stepped out into the hallway and with my firmest voice, eyebrows raised, confident body posture, said, “Excuse me. Can I help you?”
He turned toward me, pointed his finger in my direction, and said with excitement, “Yes! That right there! That’s exactly what you should have done!”
I was beyond confused by this man who turned out to be a board member for an organization my office managed and a good friend of our boss. My coworker did know him, and he had some non-restroom-related business to take care of at our office. He owned a private security company, which was why he commended me for my “stainless steel ovaries.” (I kid you not.)
My fight response kicked in that afternoon, but my usual M-O when responding to surprise, chaotic, and/or tumultuous situations (and also run-of-the-mill staff meeting disagreements) is to fawn or freeze. A fight response is usually my absolute last resort.
Moving Inward, Moving Outward
For some of us, our tendency is to move inward when we are overwhelmed by chaos and confusion. We make ourselves smaller, we are quiet, we comply. Think of the freeze and fawn trauma responses. In freeze, the body shuts down and loses the ability to speak, think, fight, or flight. In fawn, we do whatever it takes to diffuse the situation and avoid danger. For either of those, even if we are physically present in a space, we might dissociate in order to remove ourselves from the situation. When the chaos calms down, we might retreat away from others and ourselves in order to quiet down the chaos that we felt inside our bodies.
On the other end of the spectrum, some of us tend to move outward when we are overwhelmed by chaos and confusion. We make ourselves bigger, we ready ourselves for a fight, we quit. The flight and fight trauma responses might apply here. In flight, we may physically remove ourselves from the situation, and in fight, we prepare ourselves for attack. For both, we take action, one way or another. When the chaos calms down, we might move toward others in order to offload the emotional toll the event had on us.
Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are, to some degree, automatic responses. Every situation and each person is different. But it’s worth noticing what your response tendencies are–even when they feel automatic and outside your control–because noticing allows us to name those patterns and engage in counter-responses after the chaos has calmed down.
It’s after the chaos has calmed down–perhaps after we’ve found God in that chaos–that we explore an intentional response to the chaos. In The Warden & the Wolf King, Andrew Peterson writes, “When you run out of hope, everything is backward. Your heart wants the opposite of what it needs.”1 And I’ve found that after chaos has settled down, I often want the opposite of what I need.
When my dad died, I wanted to be left alone without an audience watching me grieve. But I actually needed people to be with and grieve with me.
After I spent a whole day triaging some very fresh trauma with a very emotional and hormonal client, I wanted to curl up on the couch and zone out for the next three days. But I probably needed to talk through my experience with a therapist and a very long ride on my Peloton.
When I received negative feedback at work when I was working harder than I’ve ever worked in my life, I wanted to write a manifesto justifying myself and my work. But I really needed space to listen to God.
My tendency is to withdraw from others, from God, and from myself. But what I often need is to move toward instead. I need people to sit with me in my difficult emotions, I need a witness to what I’ve experienced, and I need God to speak to the places where I’ve been hurt.
This movement from triaging days when everything hits the fan, tending to ourselves in the midst of that chaos, finding God in the chaos, and then moving in the opposite direction of how our hearts want to respond to the chaos, builds up our resilience and perseverance. Paul wrote in Romans 5:3-4, “We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” While our chaotic days don’t compare with the suffering of first-century Christians in the Roman Empire, our responses to our chaotic days can produce resilience and perseverance, so we might endure in ministry for the long haul. No stainless steel ovaries required.
A Reflection for Naming Your Chaos Response Tendencies
This week’s practice is a reflection to help us identify our response tendencies and look for the opposite of what our hearts think they need. You’ll need a journal and a pen.
Start by settling into a quiet space with several deep breaths. Scan your body for any places where you’re holding tension and gently release that tension with a light stretch or shake.
Allow a chaotic, traumatic, or tumultuous day come to your mind. Spend 5-10 minutes describing that day, its events, the people, your emotions and responses, etc.
Recall your response to the day, both in the midst of the chaos and after the day calmed down. Spend 5-10 minutes describing how you navigated the day with your emotions, thoughts, actions, relationships, etc.
Write about your desires around this chaotic day. What were you desperate and hungry for? What did you do to fulfill those desires? What would an opposite response to those desires have been?
Close your reflection with a fill-in-the-blank: On chaotic [or use an adjective of your choice] days, my heart wants __________ but I actually need __________.
Your Chaos Management Worksheets
Who doesn’t love a worksheet?!? I created for y’all a set of chaos management worksheets that include the Chaos Triage and Chaos Emergency Kit worksheets, along with personal instructions, group instructions, and emergency kit ideas and examples. This download is available to paid subscribers (only $8 a month). You can access this resource here.
Andrew Peterson, The Warden & the Wolf King, 477.